Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Old Letters from Santa


While getting my tax stuff together for this year I ran across something that brought back such wonderful memories I wanted to share with you. I found actual copies of letters I sent to Santa and his replies that I had saved since childhood. I think this is the perfect end to this holiday season. I have reproduced the letters exactly as they appeared. I hope you enjoy. For me, it still brings a tear to my eye walking down memory lane.




Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all
yeer.

Yer Friend,
Charlie

Dear Charlie,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in education. Don’t you want something better with your life? How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger set he asked for. At least HE can spell.

Santa


Dear Santa,
Thank you for the spelling book last year. I believe I’ve learned the lessons you were trying to teach me last year. I do want a better life, but not just for me. This year the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Hugs,
Charlie


Dear Charlie,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Your older brother is getting an air hockey table this year, because he asked for it. You are getting the peace of mind to know I’m sending you another book.

Santa


Dear Santa
Last year’s book about speaking up was really great. I think I understand how this system works now. I want a new bike, an Atari 7200 game system, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love
Charlie

Dear Charlie,
You want a Pony and you send me love? I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie and another book. Who did you think you were kidding asking for a G.I. Joe? By the way I’m giving your brother a horse because he asked for one and horses are what boys want – not Ponys!

Santa


Dear Santa,
Happy 4th of July! I bet you don’t get many letters from kids in July. I’ve been reading in one of those self help books you gave me that many people respond negatively when under stress, so I think I’ve just been hitting you at the wrong time. I hope you are taking a break from making toys and enjoying some time off for the 4th. If you could arrange it for this year I really want a puppy. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?


Sincerely,
Charlie

Dear Charlie,

Stress really isn’t as big of an issue as you might think. I have 364 days off. All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.

As for your “puppy request” - that whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. I stopped by a bookstore that was going out of business and stocked up on their self help books. You’ll be getting a book. I’ve picked out a DOG for your brother.

Santa


Dear Santa,

Ok, I know I’m not getting a puppy and you are leaving me some books but I wanted to let you know that there are no bad feelings. I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Charlie

Dear Charlie,
Diary products give me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch

Santa



Dearest Santa,
I’ve signed you up for the Milk product of the month – enjoy you lactose intolerant bastard!

Charlie

Dearest Charlie,
Good boy, I’m bringing you a pony this year.

Sweet dreams,
Santa

Monday, December 29, 2008

The New Holy Trinity – Ford, GM & Chrysler

At Greater Grace Temple, the largest church in Detroit, a service was held seeking God's help for the domestic auto industry. To invoke God’s grace three SUVs where drove onto the altar just in front of the choir and behind the pulpit. The church was apparently fresh out of lambs and bulls to sacrifice. The autos were donated by local car dealerships to be displayed during the service. I’m sure they got a nice plug somewhere along the way. Experts believe the SUV’s may have been a form of bribery being offered up or a simple reminder what an American car actually looks like.  It is apparent now; however, God didn’t want them as a bailout plan has not been passed.

To quote Rev. Charles Ellis during his SUV service – “We have never seen as midnight an hour as we face this week”. I’m not even sure what that means. Doesn’t midnight come everyday and 7 times a week?  Someone needs to help this man out with telling time. The Rev. Charles Ellis is one step away from sacrificing a Ford Fiesta. I’m watching his website for updates. Maybe this stunt helped put more money in the church coffers, but this kind of SUV offering is more sacrilegious than the best episodes of South Park.

While I have compassion for the individuals whose jobs are impacted by this screw-up, I find it hard to find any compassion for the automakers themselves. They have consistently turned out vehicles that not only do most Americans not want, but most of the world doesn’t want. I’m old enough to remember the oil crisis from the 1970’s : the shortages, the long lines, the rationing. It is as if not a single decision maker in the big three learned any lessons from this.

Maybe I am wrong, but I don’t think the demands for what people want is that hard to surmise. I believe we all want a reasonably priced, safe car that gets great mileage or better yet runs off a fuel source that can be generated in a number of ways - electricity. We don’t need to able to haul around a 12-horse trailer, a small house, or a mobile home. We don’t need seats that are actually converted loveseats. We don’t need an auxiliary fuel tank. We don’t need to be able to go from 0 to 10,000 mph in 10 seconds. We need reliable transportation.  The sad truth is we know this can be done. GM did it with their EV-1, before they killed it.

Given the sad shape of the economy as a whole, I believe that automobiles on the altar are just the tip of the iceberg. I soon expect to see banks and mortgage brokers splayed out on the altar.



Sunday, December 28, 2008

Favorite New Christmas Song

As the Christmas season draws to a close we can still look back fondly on our favorite holiday recordings whether it’s sung by Ella Fitzgerald or Porky the Pig. But then there are the perennial parade of artists who eggnog it up with cringe-inducing results causing an early onset of Fa-la-la Fatigue. I use Pandora to avoid that as much as possible and I hope to god that no one actually purchase these songs for anymore than coal stuffers. However, I have come across a true gem of a new Christmas time favorite that will from this point forward be considered a classic by me. The tune isn't about angels or Santa or pine trees. Call it a sci-fi Christmas carol.

The dark, hilarious lyrics of Jonathan Coulton's "Chiron Beta Prime" can only be described as a holiday-newsletter-meets-cry-for-help, sung by a man enslaved on an asteroid by robot overlords. I know it doesn’t sound like a winner – but it is! I can't stop playing it!

Coulton is also actively involved in the movement known as Creative Commons, in which artists forgo traditional copyrights to retain more freedom in sharing their work. I like that idea.

For your enjoyment click below to partake in a complete fan video of what has become my new favorite Christmas Song.


Look what Santa Brought You – Now take the damn tree down!

Christmas Eve, the gorging began. We coasted into Christmas morning still riding the sugar high from the night before and sustaining ourselves from a refrigerator that was packed full of leftovers. We had managed to cook enough food to feed several small countries. We could live for days like this, and we did. Sweet potato casserole makes a wonderful breakfast. It is a vegetable.

After the aforementioned stuffing we began our Christmas present bender that left us breathless. The living room looked like something had thrown- up wrapping paper and presents were laid about as if this was a scene duplicating the path of a tornado. I don’t think we had overdone it with the presents, I just think the crash from the sugar high was taking a heavy toll. You know we aren’t children anymore, we can’t hold our sugar like we used to. In the end we laid spent around the Christmas tree with even Ralph the dog exhausted from the whole affair.

I must admit I was filled with good cheer and 20 lbs of food that I was sure was going straight to my fat ass. I knew work would soon take care of the good cheer so I only needed to concentrate on the 20 lbs of food. I suggested we go on a walk. Ralph, who lives for such ideas, was ready in a flash. It took James and I longer to get ready to brave the 60 degree weather. Yes 60 degrees, it was cold on Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas but Mr. Global Warming had a special Christmas treat just for us.

So, off we went on our Christmas morning/afternoon/pushing evening walk. On our way out of our neighborhood we passed a house with tree already out to the curb. I was surprised to see the tree out so early. I hated to see a tree wasted no matter when it went to the curb, it should have been left to grow. In any event these people weren’t really getting their moneys worth if you asked me. They were still home they were out in their yard even. We had walked by this same house on Christmas Eve and the tree was inside then, so we knew it had just come down. I do realize there is a big built up for Christmas and maybe they wanted to have the whole affair over as soon as possible, but I just can’t imagine what the whole story was. However, I do have some possible scenarios.
  • Hey kids, Look what Santa Brought You – Now take the damn tree down!
  • Well hell, I didn’t get what I wanted. Now take the damn tree down!
  • I’ve had it up to here with you telling me what you want; Santa was fed up to, you aren’t getting anything so take the damn tree down.
  • Merry Christmas, now take the damn tree down.
  • We only have 8 days until they start picking up discarded trees, we might as well get started now taking the damn tree down.
  • Look, it dropped a needle we could all die in a blazing fire from this deathtrap – now take the damn tree down. Hurry!
  • The damn red lights are burned out again – take the damn tree down now!
  • It is too hot to be Christmas, we will try again later. Go ahead and take the damn tree down.
  • I’ve got to get my valentine’s decorations up, go ahead and take the damn tree down.
  • I just realized, we are Jewish, take the damn Christmas tree down and someone find a dradle fast!

First Post - Stolen - This is a good start!

This is such an incredible story that I had to share it with you. Enjoy!

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant. This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullcrap stories.