Even Pretty Women are funny when Drunk

Julia Roberts drank a wee bit too much Jesus juice at the Film Society of Lincoln Center event honoring Tom Hanks the other night, so much that when it was time for her to get on stage and Honor Hanks the pretty lady had morphed into Lola the Time Square filthy mouth sailor. The results: Priceless!

"Alright well, it's late and I'm paying my babysitter overtime and I have to pee," she began. "So Tom, everybody fuckingg likes you. All my bits are gone. Listen, I had lunch today with Rita [Wilson, Hanks' wife], and her titss were here [motioned high] and her waist was here [motioned small] and her ass was like that [motioned high], so what can I tell you that's new? Tom Hanks, what the fuck?"

Audience members busted up with laughter. She then went on to say she's seen most of Hanks' films except That Thing (You Do).

"I love the Cohen brothers, but the hair Tom , I didn't even know what the fuck that movie was about!" Of 2004's The Terminal, she cracked, "You in the airport with the accent? It was a pass for me. Airport? Were you just an immigrant lost? I didn't know. I love you, and I didn't know what to do, really. God, I’m wearing the same fucking dress tonight as your publicist!"

"Listen, I've got to get home. But this much we know ... I will say this: Tom Hanks, I love you."

Roberts then lost her train of thought. "It's so dark out there, I feel like I’m in space," she said as an audience member held up their cell phone. "Thank you, whoever just made it light. J.J. Abrams, are you here?"

Before exiting the stage, she reiterated to Hanks how much she loved him. (source)

Walmart of Gastonia has it all

You know, I really don't need to add anything to this story.

April 8, 2009 - Gastonia
A man and woman accusing of having sex in a Wal-Mart parking lot face a charge of crime against nature Wednesday.

According to arrest warrants and an affidavit, police stopped William Walter Stephens, 83, of 5601 Union Road, Gastonia, and Asia Marie Howard, 25, of 1032 West Airline Ave., Gastonia, as they were leaving the Wal-Mart on Myrtle School Road after receiving a report that the two were having sex in the brown Buick they were leaving in. According to the affidavit, Howard told police that they were having sex and Stephens gave her $20 for oral sex.

Stephens was released from Gaston County Jail Wednesday under a $1,000 unsecured bond. Howard was placed in Gaston County Jail Wednesday under a $2,500 secured bond.

Handicaped Tree

This is why we have the Internet, well this and porn.

God Warrior

God Warrior | Viral | SPIKE.com

Yes, I know you have most likely seen this, but doesn't it just take you back all over again. I love the "I'm glad you are home..." that poor guy. Have you ever seen a better poster child for mediation?

Sugar, Spice and Everything Nice

Oh little girls, they grow up so fast don't they? One minute they're playing with Barbies and stuffed animals, and the next they're leaving video messages on Myspace for the whole world to see. What really impresses me its her eloquence and manners. Brings a tear to my eye.

Her parents must be so proud, mark my words, this girl is going places.

Treat yourself to some sugar and spice and everything nice. Enjoy!

Bulletproof Hair

A Kansas City woman with a tight weave gets shot at by her boyfriend through a car window. Later, the cops find a spent bullet in her hair. Did the hair stop it?

Apparently some weaves are tighter than others.  After 20-year-old Briana Bonds told her boyfriend Juan she didn't love him anymore, he responded by shooting out the back of her of her mid-'90s Pontiac. I should mention she was still in the car at the time.  The rear windshield was shattered, but she was still alive and without major injury, possibly thanks to that weave.

My name is Bonds, Briana Bonds - I like my weave shaken - not stirred!

The ladies down at the beauty parlor are not totally convinced. Scientifically speaking, the weft (where the weave meets the hair) is where the fibers are interlocked most tightly. But whether or not that makes it any where close to the equivalent of a Kevlar mesh is beyond current beauty-parlor technology to ascertain.

Hair stylist Kim Walton told Kansas City NBC affiliate KSHB, "I never heard of weaves saving anybody's life." Still, if it turned out to be what saved Bonds, she added, "Thank God for weave."

Bonds herself told the news channel that it was more about God than the weave: "I think God was in my passenger seat." As of Thursday, Bonds had a headache; no word on what happened to Juan. 

g2g pigs trying 2 take mi cell

In an incident that wasn't at all excessive (nope), a 14-year-old girl in Wisconsin was arrested for refusing to stop sending text messages during class, where she proceeded to hide the phone in her ASS CRACK. Must her parents just be beaming with pride. However would she think to hide the phone there? And how small of a phone must it have been?

According to the Smoking Gun, the unnamed girl apparently ignored the teacher's requests to stop using her Samsung phone, but she kept on texting as she pleased. Manners - they are lost in this generation.  When the school security officer was called in, the girl claimed she didn't have a phone. The school finally called in the police. Oh can't you just hear that phone call. When police searched the girl they found the phone under her pants "in the buttocks area." The police confiscated her phone and charged her with disorderly conduct. 

These are our tax dollars at work! I just hope when she got home that her special phone hiding place was given the full seat warming treatment.

Hyperactive

Someone wants that hat!

The Smithsonian Museum wants Aretha Franklin’s Inauguration Day hat. It really is true!

The Queen of Soul’s big-bowed headgear has become a hot property since the legendary singer wore it to belt out “America the Beautiful” at President Barack Obama’s Jan. 20 inauguration. And boy did she "belt it out".

The Los Angeles Times reports that the hat’s designer, Luke Song, has been overwhelmed with demand for the $179 item. So, you too can order one. I understand it draws attention away from everything!

Stains

Do you ever see something that is funny to you no matter how many times you watch it? Well, that is how it is for me with this clip from "The Soup" that shows the crazy-eyed dog known as Stains. I don't want to give to much away, just watch for yourself.

Do you Want the Banana?

The official German techno that tells the tale of a young man and his hands.

I love this kid! And yes....the video is a joke...but very well done. We are the monkies....

Code Brown Terror Alert!

CLEARWATER, Fla. (AP) - Wildlife officials said a rhesus monkey known to throw feces when mad is on the loose in Tampa Bay. Authorities have been trying to capture the primate since Tuesday afternoon, but it managed to evade a bucket truck and tranquilizer dart.

Gary Morse with the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission says the adult male is thought to have escaped from an unlicensed source. It was last seen in Clearwater.

The monkey is not considered dangerous unless provoked, at which point the shit will fly!

The monkey was not available for comment on this story.

Strangers in the Night

Generally as a rule when I travel I like to be left alone unless I’m with someone, then they don’t have to leave me alone. But strangers really should leave me alone because I guess I really don’t like people. It is not so much a dislike as I have nothing major against my fellow humankind, I just don’t like being bothered. If you need something fine, I’m willing to help but if you just want to be entertained go get a book like I do and read it. Why do you think they put bookstores in airports and reading lights on planes? Whole industries have sprung up for handheld entertainment. There is a reason for that!

Recently while waiting for a plane a stranger turned me to and said “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that makes the wait go quicker if you strike up a conversation with someone.” I was reading at the time and trying to communicate with body language to say “leave me alone!”. This woman however must be illiterate in body language as she continued to stare at me all doe-eyed. I closed my book very slowly, turned to the woman and said “"What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "What do you think about that Barack Obama? I wonder if he is really qualified for the job.”

"OK", I said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass -. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger woman looked visibly surprised by my question and I was hoping things would end there, but they didn’t. After a pause she said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which I replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss President Barack Obama when you don't know shit?"

That ended the conversation and I could go back to reading. Feel free to use it anytime on any topic.

When Crazy people happen to Good Dogs

Ok, I'm lucky, I admit that. We have Ralph for a dog, and Ralph is perfect.  No really, he is perfect, except when he is bad, and then he isn’t perfect but in Ralph’s advanced years we try not to focus on that. Unless is it really bad, then we focus on it until he acts pitiful and we are back to morning his youth.  

I like to believe that Ralph is thankful he hasn’t been died pink and made to live in a pink room, where I would wear pink and just be generally crazy. Who knows what impact that would have on Ralph’s perfect behavior? Not sure what that could possibly be like – see if this helps?

You have to wonder, does someone like this just wake up one day and decided - hey I'm crazy, why not inflict that upon a poor animal? Sure, she has skills. I wouldn’t know how to die a dog’s hair pink.  Ralph really doesn’t like a bath, I’m sure hair styling would be out the question for him. Where would you get pink hair-dye? Is there a nice and easy color I'm unaware of? 

I have a dear friend who wants to paint their dog’s nails pink – I hope you are reading this and understand that that is just a gateway to a full fledged pink dog. Remember as Nancy taught us to say “just say No!”

Queen of all she Surveys!

Don't you know her family has to be proud of her? If you ever need a quick laugh be sure and check out http://failblog.org. The failblog rules!

There are a few pictures of me I know floating around out there that could be failed blog material, but I try my best to keep them under lock and key. I’m glad others don’t have such strong security measures in place!

Starting the New Year off with a Bang

Before you ask, this is a true story, even I couldn't think up this.


JACKSON, Ohio – Police say a 4-year-old boy in southern Ohio shot his babysitter because the sitter accidentally stepped on his foot. Police said 18-year-old Nathan Beavers and several other teenagers were babysitting several young children in a mobile home in Jackson on Sunday when the shooting occurred.

Witnesses told police the 4-year-old retrieved the shotgun from a bedroom closet and shot Beavers. Police said the child was angry because Beavers accidentally stepped on his foot.


Beavers was hospitalized with minor pellet wounds to his arm and side.

Police say another teen was also injured with shotgun pellets.


Jackson County Sheriff John Shashteen said authorities are investigating the shooting. The child has not been charged.

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I remember as a child we went through baby-sitters on a somewhat regular bases. To be honest I don’t remember most of their names, however Mom still does. She likes to recount people who babysat us and ask me about them. I remember outstanding details like – that was the one who made me a good sandwich - after that it gets fuzzy.

I’m not sure why they couldn’t hang with multiple outings with the Day children. It could have been our parents were both teachers so pay would be on the low side. That seems kind of fair as they were trained professionals who weren’t paid much to baby-sit. It would seem ludicrous for them to pay a teenager more per hour than they made themselves! Maybe they didn’t know how to handle Steven and me trying to kill each other. We were never successful in our efforts, but it wasn’t from lack of trying. I know we looked like angels, but it really was the lighting in those old pictures.

I will admit when I was a younger child I was rather clingy. I have an excuse - I was very small for my age and I think I had a fear of being stomped on. The constant beatings from my brother did little to elevate this fear. I do take credit for this driving one babysitter away, you can still see the notch I made in my nightstand, away, but I don’t remember that being an issue with anyone else.

Now I realize those babysitters were damn lucky to have us, as we never popped a cap in any of them!