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Rules for Going to the Movie Theater

GENERAL GUIDELINES FOR NON-DISRUPTIVE BEHAVIOR

(1) TALKING

(a) Conversations are permitted up until the start of the first trailer. You may talk through the lame animations telling you where the exits are, etc. You may even talk through the commercials, which are becoming increasingly common in movie theaters and generally deserve to be talked through. Once the first trailer begins, however, your mouth should close, and should not open again except to laugh at appropriate comedic moments in the film, or in the case of extreme emergencies, such as being on fire, or your intestines being exposed and visible.

(b) The less intelligent among you never seem to understand the plot of any given movie. We overhear you quite often, asking your companion what just happened, or guessing what's going to happen, or generally commenting on the movie in a witless fashion. Unless you are being paid to revise MST3K this is unacceptable. Simply try watching the movie and see if your answers aren’t revealed. If not, go home an reflect on them and maybe if you really should be away from the home.

(c) Carrying on a conversation throughout a movie, in a normal speaking voice, as if you were sitting in your living room and not among dozens of other people who paid to hear the movie and not your conversation, will not be tolerated. Raising your voice to be heard above the noisier scenes in a movie is an even more serious sin. Other audience members do have the right to beat the crap out of you if that is what it takes to make you shut up.

(d) You will refrain from striking up a conversation with that strangers while waiting for the movie to start. Movies aren't social events. You will especially refrain if this appears to be some mating ritual as it will cause undo stress. "Is he gonna try picking me up? Or sitting next to me? God, can't I even go to a fucking movie by myself without some asshole invading my space?" And so on.

(2) OTHER DISRUPTIONS

(a) If you are in love with another person, good for you, mazel tov, whatever. Just keep it to yourself. The darkness of a movie theater does not give you license to smooch, coo, exchange sweet words, fondle each other, or worse. If you feel you must engage in such nauseating behavior, get a room. Don't try to impress us all with how deeply you two are in love, because frankly, Sparky, we don't give a fuck.

(b) Despite the MPAA loophole, children under the age of, say, 12 have no business attending an R-rated movie even when accompanied by a parent or adult guardian. They will not understand or appreciate the movie and may even pick up a few unsavory words, or wake you up in the middle of the night with nightmares for weeks to come. (Rough justice meted out to stupid parents.)

(c) In any public place, not just at the movies, it is unseemly for children to emit the sort of piercing shriek known to unclog sinuses and restore sight to the blind. Unless the child is on fire, or his/her intestines are exposed and visible, a child really has no reason to produce such a sound, and should be strenuously discouraged from doing so, especially in the presence of adults who have had a hard day at work and just want a nice, peaceful night out at the movies or at a restaurant.

(d) Babies do not belong in a movie theater. They belong at home with a babysitter or trusted family member. If you cannot find a sitter or trusted family member, then you will stay home with the baby. Which part of this is difficult to understand?

(e) You will not wait until you are in line before deciding what movie to see. Neither will you debate which movie to see when it is your turn at the ticket counter, thus holding up everyone else behind you. You will have your game plan together by the time you leave the house.

(f) You will not further hold up everyone behind you by arguing with the ticket seller when he or she refuses to sell you a ticket for an R-rated movie without checking your photo ID. Nor will you bring a note from your mother and beseech the ticket seller to "call my mom, she says it's okay, she's home, just call her." If you are 17 or over, bring photo ID. If you are under 17 -- if you are even an unusually mature 16-and-a-half-year-old -- you are no longer considered old enough to see R-rated movies by yourself. Deal with it, and welcome to post-Columbine America.

(g) If there are five or more of you, and you arrive late and the theater is packed, you will not expect people who are already seated to split up or move so that you can all sit together. Arrive early, or expect to sit apart.

(h) The backs of the seats in front of you are not your personal footrests, particularly when people are occupying those seats. Be advised also that when you nudge, kick, or jiggle the seat in front of you, it annoys everyone sitting in that row even if that particular seat is empty.

HEARING PROBLEMS

(a) You should not be talking at all during the movie (see the General Guidelines for Non-Disruptive Behavior), but you especially should not be talking in the loud monotone commonly associated with elderly people who have experienced a decrease in hearing ability.

(b) You should not be repeating every word of dialogue for the benefit of your hard-of-hearing companion. The people around you heard the dialogue just fine, and do not require the instant replay. Get a hearing aid.

SIGHT PROBLEMS

(a) If you must read credits or subtitles aloud for the benefit of a less-than-sharp-eyed friend or spouse, do so quietly, so as not to disturb those around you who can actually see letters that are roughly two feet tall.

THROAT PROBLEMS

(a) If you are experiencing a mild illness of the throat-clearing or coughing variety stay home. Sudden, raucous coughs or "hrrr-HMMMMMM"s are extremely challenging to your fellow moviegoers' ability to focus on a complex narrative.

Rules of Facebook - aka electric friendship generator

And now boys and girls we have a short educational movie. Please sit back. Eyes open, mouth shut. If you are sitting comfortably we will now begin.

Back from Asheville

Handicaped Tree

This is why we have the Internet, well this and porn.

God Warrior

God Warrior | Viral | SPIKE.com

Yes, I know you have most likely seen this, but doesn't it just take you back all over again. I love the "I'm glad you are home..." that poor guy. Have you ever seen a better poster child for mediation?

Medication Could be the Answer

At last there is help. I hope all those that need it will overcome there shame and seek the help that is needed. I only wish this was available over the counter so I could give it as gifts. Yes, it just means that much to me.

Please, please share this with all of your friends, family and love ones. :-)

Bulletproof Hair

A Kansas City woman with a tight weave gets shot at by her boyfriend through a car window. Later, the cops find a spent bullet in her hair. Did the hair stop it?

Apparently some weaves are tighter than others.  After 20-year-old Briana Bonds told her boyfriend Juan she didn't love him anymore, he responded by shooting out the back of her of her mid-'90s Pontiac. I should mention she was still in the car at the time.  The rear windshield was shattered, but she was still alive and without major injury, possibly thanks to that weave.

My name is Bonds, Briana Bonds - I like my weave shaken - not stirred!

The ladies down at the beauty parlor are not totally convinced. Scientifically speaking, the weft (where the weave meets the hair) is where the fibers are interlocked most tightly. But whether or not that makes it any where close to the equivalent of a Kevlar mesh is beyond current beauty-parlor technology to ascertain.

Hair stylist Kim Walton told Kansas City NBC affiliate KSHB, "I never heard of weaves saving anybody's life." Still, if it turned out to be what saved Bonds, she added, "Thank God for weave."

Bonds herself told the news channel that it was more about God than the weave: "I think God was in my passenger seat." As of Thursday, Bonds had a headache; no word on what happened to Juan. 

g2g pigs trying 2 take mi cell

In an incident that wasn't at all excessive (nope), a 14-year-old girl in Wisconsin was arrested for refusing to stop sending text messages during class, where she proceeded to hide the phone in her ASS CRACK. Must her parents just be beaming with pride. However would she think to hide the phone there? And how small of a phone must it have been?

According to the Smoking Gun, the unnamed girl apparently ignored the teacher's requests to stop using her Samsung phone, but she kept on texting as she pleased. Manners - they are lost in this generation.  When the school security officer was called in, the girl claimed she didn't have a phone. The school finally called in the police. Oh can't you just hear that phone call. When police searched the girl they found the phone under her pants "in the buttocks area." The police confiscated her phone and charged her with disorderly conduct. 

These are our tax dollars at work! I just hope when she got home that her special phone hiding place was given the full seat warming treatment.

Sleepy Time – The Final Revenge

You would think such a place as Sleepy Time would only cross my path once in my life, two times is pretty unlikely and three times – you have to think there is someone out there who really didn’t like me as a kid.

Some years later the Sleepy Time house had been abandoned. Maybe it was shut down for child abuse violations, maybe the poltergeist that inhabited the space ran everyone off, I’m not sure of the exact reason for the closer of Sleepy Time.

I grew up in the 70’s and part of the charm of the 70’s was churches started to take over your ever waking moment. Why not have ever event in your life structured around the church – who needs anything else? For parts of my childhood I was Methodist, at least in the non-summer months. Methodist as a rule are quiet people, they don’t get excited, they make sure you are out of service at noon every Sunday and generally try to handle most disputes with a casserole and some prayer already pre-written. Creativity isn’t something instilled by the Methodist experience – repetition is. It is good and safe and would rarely offend anyone, so keep that in mind if you are our shopping for a new religion.

In my early teenage years I was involved with our church’s youth group. I can remember going to camp, and a few outings but what sticks out most was the final revenge of Sleepy Time.

One thing I looked forward to when I joined the youth group was working on the haunted house. The goal was to raise money and to scare the crap out of everyone. This was back when churches allowed you to dress up as the devil for Halloween and didn’t see it as anymore crazy as great floods and giants walking the earth. I remembered some great haunted houses at church and each year they tried to top the year before.

One day while meeting our youth director informed us that had great news – we had secured a prime location on one of the major roads in town for our haunted house. The house was old and abandoned and scheduled for demolition – so we could do anything we wanted to it. Great plans began on torture chambers, coffins, and zombies.

Our youth director arranged for us to go see the location. I was asked to come even though I was new to the youth group because they needed someone who could think creatively. My only partial submersion into the Methodist life was paying off. So, off we went. As soon as we pulled in the driveway I knew where we were. It was the old Sleepy Time house. Everyone was so excited; I just wanted to throw-up. I’ve never had much of a poker face  and apparently my face betrayed my emotions the minute we walked into the empty house. I started getting ribbing about being scared and being to young. I just shook my head. I made up my mind then and there this project was going on without me; I wouldn’t come back to the youth group until after Halloween. They could have the Sleepy Time house all to themselves – and so they did. They scared the crap out of countless people for one last time as the Sleepy Time house did what just came naturally.

In the spring I rode my bike up to the Sleepy Time house to watch them tear it down. This was way beyond where I was allowed to go on my bike, but I wanted to make sure the place was gone. It is now home to the boy scout’s office – how fitting.

Verizon Math

I feel this man's pain. I have a theory that at some point I was abducted by aliens who took me away and taught me a language that sounds just like English but apparently has a different meaning for some key words. That is the only way I can logically explain the situations like this where I explain something out in excruciating detail in simple terms and I still can't be understood. Curse you ET!!!!

911 for Lemonade

BOYNTON BEACH, Fla. –Authorities said a man, 66, was arrested after calling 911 on Saturday to complain that a fast food restaurant ran out of lemonade. After a drive-through employee failed to respond to the man's threat of contacting the police, the irate diner called 911, a police report alleges.

He spent about 5 minutes talking to the 911 operator about his complaint.

Boynton Beach said the man was charged with abuse of 911 communication.


Someone get grandpa his lemonade! I mean really, how good could that lemonade be?

Hyperactive

The Return of Sleepytime Daycare

My brother and I never had to return to the “Sleepytime” daycare, but that didn’t stop “Sleepytime” from tormenting me again as a child. It so happens the daycare that I would spend my early formative years in was “The Gingerbread House” which was located directly behind “Sleepytime”. What are the chances? Maybe Mom didn’t really look that hard for a replacement – well look – there is another one of these places – let’s try that one! I’m not sure how the selection process was done.

“The Gingerbread House” (TGH) was also a converted house, but it was only a single floor – which I considered a major safely improvement over the sleepytime deathtrap where they put children into the fireplace.

The fenced in backyard of TGH shared a common fence with Sleepytime at the very back. The play area at TGH was divided up with mostly the boys playing as far away from the TGH as possible. I believe it was hoped that we would be beyond the careful glaze of our teachers and from this great distance we could get away with just about anything.

One day a not so bright schoolmate got the idea that he should jump the back fence of TGH into the next yard. I knew what fait awaked this kid – the sleepytime - but I felt no desire to warn this kid. I would call this kid by name, but to be honest it escapes me and really he isn’t the point of this story. If this kid wad dumb enough to break into “Sleepytime” he deserved the fireplace torture that awaited him. His first attempt was a spectacular attempt to jump the fence with a big-wheel. It was a monumental failure, but still a vision I can conjure up for a laugh. The big-wheel, while large in wheel never was much of a jumping vehicle as it would be proved time and again for many years to come. Somehow just like Evil Knievel he survived the big-wheel feat. Even with this failure still fresh on him he was able to convince other stupid children that their next attempt should be to dig a hole under the fence. I’m sure this kid grew up to a salesman at Circuit City or something like that. At this point, I began to retreat. My hasty retreat was noted and someone was sent to find me hiding in the playhouse to see what was up and was I going to tell. I assured them I wasn’t going to tell, but I wasn’t going to help them dig a hole back into the sleepytime daycare jail yard. They just didn’t understand. How could they?

Someone wants that hat!

The Smithsonian Museum wants Aretha Franklin’s Inauguration Day hat. It really is true!

The Queen of Soul’s big-bowed headgear has become a hot property since the legendary singer wore it to belt out “America the Beautiful” at President Barack Obama’s Jan. 20 inauguration. And boy did she "belt it out".

The Los Angeles Times reports that the hat’s designer, Luke Song, has been overwhelmed with demand for the $179 item. So, you too can order one. I understand it draws attention away from everything!

Stains

Do you ever see something that is funny to you no matter how many times you watch it? Well, that is how it is for me with this clip from "The Soup" that shows the crazy-eyed dog known as Stains. I don't want to give to much away, just watch for yourself.

Commuters at Liverpool Street Station in London were in for a pleasant surprise at 11 am on January 15, 2009



Be sure and switch the video to HD to really see the detail, it is worth it!

Bob's only pg-13 Joke!

A dear old friend of mine just loved this joke.

A 70-year-old man and his young wife of 50 had decided with the miracles of modern medicine they wanted to have a baby. There doctor being skeptical suggested that they start the process by finding out if the man was still fertile. The doctor gave the man a specimen jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 70-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arlene , the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open!"

Do you Want the Banana?

The official German techno that tells the tale of a young man and his hands.

I love this kid! And yes....the video is a joke...but very well done. We are the monkies....

Code Brown Terror Alert!

CLEARWATER, Fla. (AP) - Wildlife officials said a rhesus monkey known to throw feces when mad is on the loose in Tampa Bay. Authorities have been trying to capture the primate since Tuesday afternoon, but it managed to evade a bucket truck and tranquilizer dart.

Gary Morse with the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission says the adult male is thought to have escaped from an unlicensed source. It was last seen in Clearwater.

The monkey is not considered dangerous unless provoked, at which point the shit will fly!

The monkey was not available for comment on this story.