Monday, May 11, 2009

Death Comes Knocking - crap!

We all know we are going to die someday. Some people are way overdue and some cash out way to early. But death never seems so near as when you are handed the losing hand that you know you can’t fix, you just have to play it out the best you can.

I walk every day, eat a healthy diet, and have no diabetes in my immediate family. I'm not skinny (truth be told, I've been known to pack on a few extra pounds), but I'm certainly not a couch potato or junk food addict. After the age of 40 I figured I should have a checkup, you know kick the tires and check the engine. I never really go to the doctor unless I am sick, really why should I? So, I went for the full checkup only to find that a routine blood test showed that my blood sugar was elevated and I was officially prediabetic.

The phone call from my doctor’s office left me stunned. I had left the office with the doctor declaring he wouldn’t need to see me for a check-up again for two years. Three days later I get a phone call from a nurse telling me I need to come back in for some blood work to confirm I was prediabetic. Confirm I’m what?

Prediabetic, meaning I have higher-than-normal blood sugar levels that put me at risk of developing diabetes, the seventh-leading cause of death in the United States. Yikes!

The fact that I'm not alone doesn't make me feel any better -- 57 million Americans have prediabetes and another 24 million have diabetes. Being part of what's shaping up to be a diabetes epidemic in America isn't a club I want to join. I’ve checked the dues and the whole membership package just kind of sucks – to death.

“Pre” doesn’t really sound that bad on the surface. It sounds like you have options and choice, but you don’t. It turns out that prediabetes isn't really "pre" anything, It's a danger in and of itself that sets off a whole cascade of problems. In fact, there's now evidence that a prediabetic patient's risks for eye, kidney, and nerve damage, as well as heart disease, are nearly as great as a diabetic's.

The good news is that in many cases the progression from prediabetes to type 2 diabetes can be prevented. How? By losing 7 percent or more of your body weight, in addition to exercising and following a low-calorie, low-carbohydrate, high-fiber diet. Research has shown that people with prediabetes who took these steps had a 58 percent success rate in avoiding progressing to type 2 diabetes,

My plan has always been to live to be really old, really active and really alert and just go to sleep one night and never wake up. This new club I’ve been drafted into doesn’t really offer that to its members.

The more I learned about diabetes, the more determined I am to lower my blood sugar levels. My goal is to get my A1C down. At last check it was good; however my fasting blood sugar level was 112. My A1C was 5.2 the normal range is from 4.5 to 5.7. My fasting bood sugar levels were 116 and 112, the normal should be between 70 and 100 - so, kind of a mixed message. This is what I think it all means. It means I’m at the very early stages of being prediabetic. I hope early enough that I can get kicked out of this damn club.

I’m working hard to have that membership revoked. I live at the gym. If I have free-time I’m there. I am normally there at least 4 times a week, sometimes more, but never less. Do I like it? No!

I now take medication called metformin. I take it every day. What does it do? Well, we aren’t really sure. That is a comfort. But it is believed that it tricks my liver into making more insulin for me. Does it have side-effects? Oh yeah! Do I like it? No! I can’t wait to get to a point I can stop taking it.

I now religiously read labels at the supermarket, refusing to buy anything with sugar listed in the first half of the ingredients. There are foods I miss, but foods I can learn to live without. I count carbs and sugars everyday. Eating has been more of a chore. Maybe that is a good thing, I don’t know. I used to joke that in my dreams heaven was an endless Italian meal. Well, that is more of a dream than ever as weekly pasta dishes are now just a memory.

I've been sobered by what I've learned. I know now that staying healthy is a process, one I'll have to fine-tune for the rest of my life. Do I like learning that lesson? No!

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Even Pretty Women are funny when Drunk

Julia Roberts drank a wee bit too much Jesus juice at the Film Society of Lincoln Center event honoring Tom Hanks the other night, so much that when it was time for her to get on stage and Honor Hanks the pretty lady had morphed into Lola the Time Square filthy mouth sailor. The results: Priceless!

"Alright well, it's late and I'm paying my babysitter overtime and I have to pee," she began. "So Tom, everybody fuckingg likes you. All my bits are gone. Listen, I had lunch today with Rita [Wilson, Hanks' wife], and her titss were here [motioned high] and her waist was here [motioned small] and her ass was like that [motioned high], so what can I tell you that's new? Tom Hanks, what the fuck?"

Audience members busted up with laughter. She then went on to say she's seen most of Hanks' films except That Thing (You Do).

"I love the Cohen brothers, but the hair Tom , I didn't even know what the fuck that movie was about!" Of 2004's The Terminal, she cracked, "You in the airport with the accent? It was a pass for me. Airport? Were you just an immigrant lost? I didn't know. I love you, and I didn't know what to do, really. God, I’m wearing the same fucking dress tonight as your publicist!"

"Listen, I've got to get home. But this much we know ... I will say this: Tom Hanks, I love you."

Roberts then lost her train of thought. "It's so dark out there, I feel like I’m in space," she said as an audience member held up their cell phone. "Thank you, whoever just made it light. J.J. Abrams, are you here?"

Before exiting the stage, she reiterated to Hanks how much she loved him. (source)

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Rules for Going to the Movie Theater



(a) Conversations are permitted up until the start of the first trailer. You may talk through the lame animations telling you where the exits are, etc. You may even talk through the commercials, which are becoming increasingly common in movie theaters and generally deserve to be talked through. Once the first trailer begins, however, your mouth should close, and should not open again except to laugh at appropriate comedic moments in the film, or in the case of extreme emergencies, such as being on fire, or your intestines being exposed and visible.

(b) The less intelligent among you never seem to understand the plot of any given movie. We overhear you quite often, asking your companion what just happened, or guessing what's going to happen, or generally commenting on the movie in a witless fashion. Unless you are being paid to revise MST3K this is unacceptable. Simply try watching the movie and see if your answers aren’t revealed. If not, go home an reflect on them and maybe if you really should be away from the home.

(c) Carrying on a conversation throughout a movie, in a normal speaking voice, as if you were sitting in your living room and not among dozens of other people who paid to hear the movie and not your conversation, will not be tolerated. Raising your voice to be heard above the noisier scenes in a movie is an even more serious sin. Other audience members do have the right to beat the crap out of you if that is what it takes to make you shut up.

(d) You will refrain from striking up a conversation with that strangers while waiting for the movie to start. Movies aren't social events. You will especially refrain if this appears to be some mating ritual as it will cause undo stress. "Is he gonna try picking me up? Or sitting next to me? God, can't I even go to a fucking movie by myself without some asshole invading my space?" And so on.


(a) If you are in love with another person, good for you, mazel tov, whatever. Just keep it to yourself. The darkness of a movie theater does not give you license to smooch, coo, exchange sweet words, fondle each other, or worse. If you feel you must engage in such nauseating behavior, get a room. Don't try to impress us all with how deeply you two are in love, because frankly, Sparky, we don't give a fuck.

(b) Despite the MPAA loophole, children under the age of, say, 12 have no business attending an R-rated movie even when accompanied by a parent or adult guardian. They will not understand or appreciate the movie and may even pick up a few unsavory words, or wake you up in the middle of the night with nightmares for weeks to come. (Rough justice meted out to stupid parents.)

(c) In any public place, not just at the movies, it is unseemly for children to emit the sort of piercing shriek known to unclog sinuses and restore sight to the blind. Unless the child is on fire, or his/her intestines are exposed and visible, a child really has no reason to produce such a sound, and should be strenuously discouraged from doing so, especially in the presence of adults who have had a hard day at work and just want a nice, peaceful night out at the movies or at a restaurant.

(d) Babies do not belong in a movie theater. They belong at home with a babysitter or trusted family member. If you cannot find a sitter or trusted family member, then you will stay home with the baby. Which part of this is difficult to understand?

(e) You will not wait until you are in line before deciding what movie to see. Neither will you debate which movie to see when it is your turn at the ticket counter, thus holding up everyone else behind you. You will have your game plan together by the time you leave the house.

(f) You will not further hold up everyone behind you by arguing with the ticket seller when he or she refuses to sell you a ticket for an R-rated movie without checking your photo ID. Nor will you bring a note from your mother and beseech the ticket seller to "call my mom, she says it's okay, she's home, just call her." If you are 17 or over, bring photo ID. If you are under 17 -- if you are even an unusually mature 16-and-a-half-year-old -- you are no longer considered old enough to see R-rated movies by yourself. Deal with it, and welcome to post-Columbine America.

(g) If there are five or more of you, and you arrive late and the theater is packed, you will not expect people who are already seated to split up or move so that you can all sit together. Arrive early, or expect to sit apart.

(h) The backs of the seats in front of you are not your personal footrests, particularly when people are occupying those seats. Be advised also that when you nudge, kick, or jiggle the seat in front of you, it annoys everyone sitting in that row even if that particular seat is empty.


(a) You should not be talking at all during the movie (see the General Guidelines for Non-Disruptive Behavior), but you especially should not be talking in the loud monotone commonly associated with elderly people who have experienced a decrease in hearing ability.

(b) You should not be repeating every word of dialogue for the benefit of your hard-of-hearing companion. The people around you heard the dialogue just fine, and do not require the instant replay. Get a hearing aid.


(a) If you must read credits or subtitles aloud for the benefit of a less-than-sharp-eyed friend or spouse, do so quietly, so as not to disturb those around you who can actually see letters that are roughly two feet tall.


(a) If you are experiencing a mild illness of the throat-clearing or coughing variety stay home. Sudden, raucous coughs or "hrrr-HMMMMMM"s are extremely challenging to your fellow moviegoers' ability to focus on a complex narrative.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Rules of Facebook - aka electric friendship generator

And now boys and girls we have a short educational movie. Please sit back. Eyes open, mouth shut. If you are sitting comfortably we will now begin.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

More Susan Boyle News

The Daily is reporting on a previous recording of my new inspiration Scotland’s singing sensation Susan Boyle. After hearing it, I love her even more!

This recording was made back in 1999. She recorded the blues ballad Cry Me A River for a charity CD. Only 1000 copies of the disc were ever produced. It was called the

The Millennium Celebration disc. The disc was the brainchild of local newspaper editor Eddie Anderson.

As part of the process for the Millennium CD Eddie launched a search for unsigned acts to take part and as soon as he heard Susan at the auditions he knew he had found something special.

“I was amazed when she sang,” Eddie said. “It was probably the same reaction as everyone had last Saturday.

“Susan was exactly the same then as she is now. She has a fabulous and unique talent.”

I truly believe this woman has only just begun shocking the world. Wait till you hear her soulful rendition of the classic ballad. Amazing.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009


Meet 48-year old Susan Boyle. She had always dreamed of becoming a professional singer. But at 48, what really was she thinking? When she walked out on the stage of the TV show Britain’s Got Talent, no one expected her to do well.

In a preshow interview Miss Boyle told presenters Ant and Dec that she lived alone with just her cat Pebbles for company. She said: ‘I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve never even been kissed.’ When her time arrived she stomped across the stage and began clumsily gyrating her hips towards the judges, prompting laughter from the audience and disgust from the judges. Everyone couldn't wait for Susan to fail and get off the stage. What was this old, fat woman thinking?

She was thinking that she knew what she was doing. I'll be honest a couple acid tears worked their way up my rusty tear ducts while watching this clip. You have to watch the whole clip. ....Enjoy

If the player above is not working click here to see the clip.