Stains

Do you ever see something that is funny to you no matter how many times you watch it? Well, that is how it is for me with this clip from "The Soup" that shows the crazy-eyed dog known as Stains. I don't want to give to much away, just watch for yourself.

Sleepy Time Daycare

“You don’t like that.” As a small child these were the guiding words I often heard from my brother, and for me no other judgment was needed. Maybe I was a lazy child and I didn’t want to take time to form options myself. He was older, he had already figured these things out why shouldn’t I benefit from his knowledge. There was no need for me to try anything. Whatever likes and disliked he had - I now had the same. My brother felt it was his duty to protect me from olives, most vegetables and anything that didn’t involve sports. He was older and wiser and was determined to pass this knowledge on to me. I didn’t really have a choice. Later in life I would fail him as I went on to discover that I liked most vegetables and detested most sports, but he was right about olives. However, at this time I was still his disciple in all things.
Our parents both taught school in the next county. This meant their day started early. During the school year my brother and I were both entrusted into the care of Odessa. While I wouldn’t always believe the sun rose and set on my older brother, my faith for Odessa never wavered. However, on this faithful morning Odessa was unable to come in. Mom hurriedly made arrangements to take us to a daycare with the quant name of Sleepy Time. Sleepy Time was an old converted house off a major thoroughfare. Out front was a black backed neon sign half faded with a child sleeping and little “z”s coming from his head. It suggested that your child would sleep in some kind of eternal darkness. Why a parent would trust a place that looked like it was conceived by Norman Bates I will never know. Mom was desperate, but the other children there – their parents owe them an explanation.
As Mom left us half asleep we watched her drive away not knowing what to do next or if she would ever return. As we took in our surroundings Steven whispered in my ear that we didn’t like this place. I think without his help I would have formed the same conclusion. We stood in the entrance hall where Mom had left us with our coats still on holding hands. We dumbly followed the orders of a stranger woman as she told us to hang up our jackets. Then, however she started taking Steven upstairs and another woman appeared and was taking me in the direction of another room. Steven escaped from the stranger woman and grabbed my hand and told me not to move. The teacher reached down and started to pick me up. I did the only thing a 3 year old can do. I cried. I cried as if the world was ending. She was so taken back that she just froze. I would think she would be used to crying children, but I did have a good set of lungs on me. My brother then started running pulling me in tow. We ran straight into the fireplace of what used to be the den in the house and wedged ourselves inside. I continued to cry. Anytime someone got near us, I would cry. So, there we stood in the fireplace all day. Neither of us would come out, not to eat, play. No amount of coaxing or threats would get us to move. They decided ignoring us would work, as we would get bored and come out to play. Steven and I didn’t move an inch.
I feel so sorry now for the sight my Mom must have seen when she came to pick us up that afternoon. Here her two sons stood in the fireplace, me still balling my eyes out until I heard her voice. Then we ran to her covered in soot. My memories of what happened next aren’t really clear, but I know we never returned to Sleepy Time. I’m sure there was mutual agreement on that. When my brother and I both started kindergarten the next year, they put us in separate facilities, but that is another story.

However, that wasn't my last encounter with the Sleepy Time daycare......

Commuters at Liverpool Street Station in London were in for a pleasant surprise at 11 am on January 15, 2009



Be sure and switch the video to HD to really see the detail, it is worth it!

Innovative Computer Solutions

While still in college I started Innovative Computer Solution. It was more work than I care to remember, but I did learn alot. Here is a pic of me in our first real office in Belmont. NC. I don't even want to calculate how young I was then!

I'm in the process of closing ICS down now. It is bitter sweet.

Bob's only pg-13 Joke!

A dear old friend of mine just loved this joke.

A 70-year-old man and his young wife of 50 had decided with the miracles of modern medicine they wanted to have a baby. There doctor being skeptical suggested that they start the process by finding out if the man was still fertile. The doctor gave the man a specimen jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 70-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arlene , the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open!"

The Wrong Trousers

On the rare occasions I listen to the radio I’m amazed at how much of the music is cookie cutter, unimaginative and just all around bad. It all sounds alike and all the lyrics are the same. So, why is it like this, well because that is what people want? There was a poll that was done concerning music by diacenter.org . The data was complied and two songs were created based on the polls, one that combined the elements most desired in the polls and one that combined the elements least desired. The “most desired” sounded like everything I hear on the radio. I hated every note of it, in contrast I loved the one that combined the least desired elements.

So, I like different stuff I guess. Below is a clip from a band called “The Wrong Trousers”. While the song is a regular top 40 hit, the performance is not. This was shot on the street where these kids had setup shop. They have moved on and now have a recording contract. I think they are great!

My 1st Pot

Most of my interest in my adult lift can be traced back to events from my childhood. What leaves an impression that last and what passes away simply forgotten is as much serendipity as it is planning.

As a child I presented somewhat of a conundrum to my parents. My Mom, Dad and Brother were all athletic and interested in sports. I was not. My parents both coached sports – I considered attendance to a game something akin to punishment. I have checked I wasn’t adopted.

I think presents for me were hard for my family. I didn’t want balls or sports equipment or just about anything they would find interest in. However, I did like to make things. I didn’t really care what. Give me some scissors, tape, glue and an old newspaper and I would busy myself for hours. I became a pro with tape and glue which in my childhood I used to put back together much of the house that my brother and I destroyed– but that is another story.

The Christmas I was in the 2nd grade my parents gave me a pottery wheel. It was a child’s pottery wheel that was battery powered and to be honest it wasn’t worth crap. It looked functional but it was woefully underpowered. It must have been some company’s idea of a joke as the box was adored with pottery that no one could have ever produced on the crap wheel. However, I didn’t know that at the time.

So, on Christmas morning I began my work at the wheel. I carefully read the instructions and tried to mimic the hand positions that they gave. I setup shop in the garage, covered the work area in newspaper (see how multipurpose this stuff is) got a small bucket of water and I began to make blobs. Shapeless squashed blobs that couldn’t really take shape as the small motor would grind to a halt once I put any pressure on the clay. So, I had to mostly shape the poor blobs with my hands. There was no way to fire the clay – so I put my pitiful creations out in the sun. I then hand painted my creations with the small containers of paint that came with the wheel. They were hideous. In the end I had three “bowls”. One I gave to my parents – heck it could be an ashtray if it was pushed into service. I never saw it again after the giving. I like to believe they had a quiet funeral service for it. One I kept – I guess as a reminder to never use that stupid pottery wheel again – and the best one I gave to my first girlfriend – Laura Bradley. Laura smashed my gift into the sidewalk and laughed at it. I remember where Laura used to live, I guess I could always go ask her parents if she still regrets her rejection of my early art.

The snow is coming; the snow is coming...

The snow is coming; the snow is coming…well maybe. Here in piedmont section of NC nothing crushes the hopes of a good snow better than the prediction of snow. So, to counteract this I’ve scoured the Internet to find the most highly approved snow producing rituals.

• Put pajamas on inside out
• Put a spoon under your pillow
• Flush an ice cube down the toilet

Everyone knows now what must be done. I will not accept any excuses! We need a snow day!

We can still eat that

I have a friend who has prefaced meals with “I think we can still eat that”. The uncertainty she has projected more than once in a meal of leftovers have left me with a healthy fear.  Healthy in that I’ve tried to err on the side of – let’s move to a food selection that you have more confidence in – like something not from the refrigerator vault. I’m not one of these people who won't eat leftovers – I don’t understand that either. But, I won’t eat a leftover if it requires carbon 14 dating to determine if it is still safe. My god, we don’t live in a 3^rd world country we can find fresh food. Sure there is the odd salmonella outbreak – but it shouldn’t be cultivated in your own refrigerator. Leave that stuff to the experts!

You see, I really love food. I’m not missing a meal if I can help it - breakfast being the one exception as I may love sleep more than food. I know there are some people who just eat because they must to live – I feel so sorry for them. It is something they really should seek counseling for. If I cared enough I would search youtube for some Oprah show that I bet covers the topic, but really I just care enough to say I care.

When I eat I want to eat good food.  I’m not just eating to live – I want some love from that food baby! I have to watch my caloric intake – I know that – so if I’m eating something it should be worth the time it is going to take in the gym to burn it off. 

So yeah, I'm a food lover. I like to believe that if I make it to an afterlife it will have some great food, otherwise they aren't going to be happy with me there!

Do you Want the Banana?

The official German techno that tells the tale of a young man and his hands.

I love this kid! And yes....the video is a joke...but very well done. We are the monkies....

Bandit Wanted

Our wants as children are often hard to explain. I always wanted a raccoon. I can’t say exactly why the idea appealed to me so. Maybe it was a Disney movie that had a raccoon in it. Whatever it was that married me to this idea I stuck to it for years. Even my brother, Steven, helped push this raccoon idea – one of our rarely united fronts. However my parents weren’t buying the idea. That isn’t true mostly Mom wasn’t buying the idea. Mom feared the raccoon would destroy the house, or give me rabies or something mothers would worry about. I believe Dad secretly wanted me to win this battle. However, Mom was pretty firm that raccoons weren’t pets. This is from a woman who had a pet alligator in Cherryville NC. As a child I wasn’t aware of this fact.

As an eight year old I did my best to convince Mom this would work. I bought a book on how to raise a raccoon trying to convince my parents that I was an expert on the subject. I could point to my book with pride and show them the whole idea had been carefully researched. However some book by a hippie on how to raise raccoons to be like a member of the family wasn't enough to win Mom over. I’m not sure where I got the book. This was pre-amazon.com days and it wasn’t like Gastonia was abound with bookstores.

To try to appease me my parents got me a rabbit and the rabbit was great. I would bring whole classes from school home to see my rabbit. We lived right across the street from the school so it was an easy spur of the moment field trip. I don’t think any permission slips were signed – school was less formal in those days. I would point to pride at my rabbit. I would take her out of her run and let people hold her.

She gave me good bragging rights, but she wasn’t the same as a raccoon. We couldn’t have any adventures, or climb trees together, or get into mischief. But she never destroyed the house or infected anyone with rabies. So, I guess that was an alright trade off.

The book is still at Mom’s house in case I take up the notion again.

Code Brown Terror Alert!

CLEARWATER, Fla. (AP) - Wildlife officials said a rhesus monkey known to throw feces when mad is on the loose in Tampa Bay. Authorities have been trying to capture the primate since Tuesday afternoon, but it managed to evade a bucket truck and tranquilizer dart.

Gary Morse with the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission says the adult male is thought to have escaped from an unlicensed source. It was last seen in Clearwater.

The monkey is not considered dangerous unless provoked, at which point the shit will fly!

The monkey was not available for comment on this story.

Ralph - The Epic Story .... coming soon

Look into those eyes, really - are words needed? The story of Ralph - Part 1 - coming soon!

Stop before you mess it up

Life can sometimes be a chain of reactions of bad events and the simplest of items can be the causes nexuses. But sometimes we are lucky for everything to workout.

Spin

Atom.com: Funny Videos | Other | Funny Animations

Strangers in the Night

Generally as a rule when I travel I like to be left alone unless I’m with someone, then they don’t have to leave me alone. But strangers really should leave me alone because I guess I really don’t like people. It is not so much a dislike as I have nothing major against my fellow humankind, I just don’t like being bothered. If you need something fine, I’m willing to help but if you just want to be entertained go get a book like I do and read it. Why do you think they put bookstores in airports and reading lights on planes? Whole industries have sprung up for handheld entertainment. There is a reason for that!

Recently while waiting for a plane a stranger turned me to and said “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that makes the wait go quicker if you strike up a conversation with someone.” I was reading at the time and trying to communicate with body language to say “leave me alone!”. This woman however must be illiterate in body language as she continued to stare at me all doe-eyed. I closed my book very slowly, turned to the woman and said “"What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "What do you think about that Barack Obama? I wonder if he is really qualified for the job.”

"OK", I said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass -. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger woman looked visibly surprised by my question and I was hoping things would end there, but they didn’t. After a pause she said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which I replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss President Barack Obama when you don't know shit?"

That ended the conversation and I could go back to reading. Feel free to use it anytime on any topic.

Parking Space

We keep talking about this clip at lunch, so I had to post it. It kills me each and everytime!

You know I am almost 100% certain that I've seen this woman at the Walmart. I have a good friend who about got us cut at a Walmart on the wrong side of town while looking at Christmas decorations.

When Crazy people happen to Good Dogs

Ok, I'm lucky, I admit that. We have Ralph for a dog, and Ralph is perfect.  No really, he is perfect, except when he is bad, and then he isn’t perfect but in Ralph’s advanced years we try not to focus on that. Unless is it really bad, then we focus on it until he acts pitiful and we are back to morning his youth.  

I like to believe that Ralph is thankful he hasn’t been died pink and made to live in a pink room, where I would wear pink and just be generally crazy. Who knows what impact that would have on Ralph’s perfect behavior? Not sure what that could possibly be like – see if this helps?

You have to wonder, does someone like this just wake up one day and decided - hey I'm crazy, why not inflict that upon a poor animal? Sure, she has skills. I wouldn’t know how to die a dog’s hair pink.  Ralph really doesn’t like a bath, I’m sure hair styling would be out the question for him. Where would you get pink hair-dye? Is there a nice and easy color I'm unaware of? 

I have a dear friend who wants to paint their dog’s nails pink – I hope you are reading this and understand that that is just a gateway to a full fledged pink dog. Remember as Nancy taught us to say “just say No!”

There is only one thing in the way.....

Hardships, challenges and problems are necessary learning experiences that have shaped me in my life journey. I must learn that lesson. I often focus so much on something ahead or something I left behind that I don't see what is here. But I can't help but wonder Is this really it? Maybe my life has unfolded exactly as it should have. Like a great symphony, with every note in my life’s song perfectly placed.

Maybe I am my own worst enemy. Always doubting. Always apprehensive. Always me. Maybe a beautiful life is already in front of me. Maybe that which I seek is already here. Just maybe.

If I squint a little can I see it?

Status Reports

My life at work these days consists of a long series of status reports. I actually don’t have time to get much work done as I have to report on the status of the work I’m supposed to be doing but can’t get done because I’m writing another status report.   

I wouldn’t mind creating these status reports if anything ever became of them. However, they are always stripped away to the simplest detail as one status report after another is combined by each level of management to create a summary report. In the end all that remains from my reports are the simplest of phrases “completed”, “delayed” or “deferred”.  All issues that I’m trying to convey are lost.

What is really needed is a report that says “we need to start worrying”, or “nothing to worry about here”. In the end that is all someone wants to know, is there something to worry about or not. But for the sake of job security you can’t have things that simple, you must look as if you’ve drawn conclusions based on the numerous status reports.

At some point I’m sure I will have to do a status report about my status report, at that point the sheer recursion of the situation will create a hole in the space-time continuum which will result in the destruction of the universe, at which point I will need to submit a status report on the destruction of the universe along with a triage of how it occurred. 

Queen of all she Surveys!

Don't you know her family has to be proud of her? If you ever need a quick laugh be sure and check out http://failblog.org. The failblog rules!

There are a few pictures of me I know floating around out there that could be failed blog material, but I try my best to keep them under lock and key. I’m glad others don’t have such strong security measures in place!

Starting the New Year off with a Bang

Before you ask, this is a true story, even I couldn't think up this.


JACKSON, Ohio – Police say a 4-year-old boy in southern Ohio shot his babysitter because the sitter accidentally stepped on his foot. Police said 18-year-old Nathan Beavers and several other teenagers were babysitting several young children in a mobile home in Jackson on Sunday when the shooting occurred.

Witnesses told police the 4-year-old retrieved the shotgun from a bedroom closet and shot Beavers. Police said the child was angry because Beavers accidentally stepped on his foot.


Beavers was hospitalized with minor pellet wounds to his arm and side.

Police say another teen was also injured with shotgun pellets.


Jackson County Sheriff John Shashteen said authorities are investigating the shooting. The child has not been charged.

---

I remember as a child we went through baby-sitters on a somewhat regular bases. To be honest I don’t remember most of their names, however Mom still does. She likes to recount people who babysat us and ask me about them. I remember outstanding details like – that was the one who made me a good sandwich - after that it gets fuzzy.

I’m not sure why they couldn’t hang with multiple outings with the Day children. It could have been our parents were both teachers so pay would be on the low side. That seems kind of fair as they were trained professionals who weren’t paid much to baby-sit. It would seem ludicrous for them to pay a teenager more per hour than they made themselves! Maybe they didn’t know how to handle Steven and me trying to kill each other. We were never successful in our efforts, but it wasn’t from lack of trying. I know we looked like angels, but it really was the lighting in those old pictures.

I will admit when I was a younger child I was rather clingy. I have an excuse - I was very small for my age and I think I had a fear of being stomped on. The constant beatings from my brother did little to elevate this fear. I do take credit for this driving one babysitter away, you can still see the notch I made in my nightstand, away, but I don’t remember that being an issue with anyone else.

Now I realize those babysitters were damn lucky to have us, as we never popped a cap in any of them!

Best Moment Ever – Billy the Bass

What has been the highlight of George Bush's presidency from the president’s own perspective? Tough question, huh? There have been so many wonderful accomplishments: His liberation of Afghanistan? His acceleration of renewable energy research? His sterling efforts to stop masses of low-life Mexicans sneaking into the US? His implementation of plans to rebuild Iraq? His development of strong financial polices? Give up?

The answer surprisingly is none of these. According to Bush himself, his finest achievement has been – catching a fish.

George W Bush was asked in an interview by a German newspaper to reveal his best moment since he took office in 2001. “I would say the best moment of all was when I caught a 7.5lb perch in my lake”. Can’t you just picture it? George W. standing in full fishing regalia on the bows of an aircraft carrier with a banner behind him that reads “Fishing Accomplished”. I bet that carrier barely fit into that lake. I wonder how long the army corps of engineers had to work on that solution. No wonder no one was keeping an eye on those levies in New Orleans, we had had orchestrate getting an aircraft carrier onto a lake in Texas!

In all fairness I have to say I do agree with President Bush, this may have been his best accomplishment in office. I look forward to him having more time to do what he does best – fish.

Death Run

This morning coming into work I was cut off by a car that was driving like a bat out of hell. It isn’t like I drive like a little old lady or anything this guy was making some serious time! I can understand the late to work mad driver. I’ve done that. But this car was flying at some insane speeds. It had a SC license plate, so I figured the concept of a paved road might be a shock to his system. However, at this point he must have been on NC soil for at least a few miles and he should be getting over the shock. It was a large older car, like a 1990’s Cadillac land yacht.  It was an ugly black and burgundy combination that I believe is only confined to pocketbooks now, not cars. Every time he hit the gas at a stop light I could see about 3 gallons of gas getting burned up as he threw all 8 cylinders of that monster into full combustion as he pushed the pedal down to the floor.  Maybe he was racing to a gas station. Close, but no cigar, he was racing towards McDonalds. WTF. What can McDonalds possibly have that is worth driving like a crazy fool? Aren’t there McDonalds in SC? He had plenty of time they would still be serving egg mc muffins. He squealed his tires making the turn into McDonalds parking lot still going about 30 miles per hour and slammed on his brakes to get into the drive thru line. He must have been having a major Big-Mac Attack! If anyone knows of anything that they have at the golden arches that is worth this insanity, please let me know what I’m missing!

New Year’s Resolutions!

Well the New Year should start off with some kind of resolutions. Normally this would mean that I would start the year off with failure as I declare I’m going to loose 20 lbs, become 21 years old again and learn a new language all by summer.

This year I’m not going to set myself up for failure. This year’s resolution will require careful planning and commitment on my part. This year, things are going to be different. I can feel it. I know it!

Wake up Each Day
Just wake up, really nothing more needed. Getting out of bed would be a good advanced step here, but I’m going to consider that more optional than required.

Relax
Try to extend relaxing beyond sleeping hours, if this requires more sleep so be it. I will look into some pillows for the office.

Eat Right
My body is a temple and I should watch what I put into my temple. If this means finding a diet that includes hamburgers, then I’ll search the internet until I find it! I won’t give up!

Spend more time with Friends and Family
I may have to reclassify the T.V. as a family member for this to work, however this makes sense as I’ve known the T.V. my entire life. I’ve only known a lot of people for 20 or so years. I really should recognize seniority.

Be a nicer person
Okay, maybe sometimes I’m an a@%hole. But really it is because of the stupid people I encounter. I’ve got to learn to be more compassionate to stupid people. It really is something they can’t help. I mean they are stupid. It is a disability.

Read More
Actually I can already read “more”; I should have picked a harder word. Maybe next year I'll pick "magniloquence"

Get Organized
I am already organized; it is those stupid people who want things I can’t find who screw up my organization. I hate those stupid people!

Whew! That is a big list. I’m sure I’ll blow some of them, but I’m sure going to try to achieve them all unless those stupid people stop me!

Equality for Some

As a rule I would steer clear of any movie with an overt political message. However the film Milk espouses a lot of messages that I believe in, including equal rights for everyone and a belief in the transformative power of community organizing. I wasn’t prepared for how powerful the messages would be and for that very reason I believe this is a movie that has universal appeal. I applaud them for not making it some sugar coated film that tries to rewrite history. It shows people as the human we are - flawed, but true. That in itself was refreshing for a movie that also has a message.

The movie tells the story of Harvey Milk, a gay man who moves to San Francisco’s Castro district and who encounters bigotry due to his lifestyle. Motivated by a desire for social change and acceptance, Milk becomes the first openly gay man ever elected to public office (City Supervisor, 1978).

In my mind, the film’s messages of hope intermingled with the bittersweet knowledge that our culture has taken steps backwards since 1978 on recognizing equal rights for all people. Sitting there in the theater, with the film’s final tear-jerking shot, it was difficult to know how to feel. I left with hope as I do do hope that in my lifetime these injustices will seem as outdated as segregation does today.

Happy New Year - A look back at 2008

2008 was yet another year. I would really like to get off on the right foot with 2009, so I am going to restrain from writing anything that would make me appear to be bitter, or negative as first impressions are very important. So, below is my non-negative look back at 2008. I hope 2009 understands what an effort this is for me!

2008 was comprised of the usual 12 month cycle consisting of 52 weeks. The days remained arranged in the manner we have become accustomed to with weeks starting on Sunday and ending on Saturday. The days were once again arranged in the reliable standard of 24 hours. At the beginning of the year we saw Winter, followed by Spring which lead into Summer without anyone really noticing; then our old friend Fall popped up. In the Fall we saw a lot of activity. People cast votes, those with the most votes were elected to office, new television shows came on, and the leaves changed colors. As soon as this was all over the holiday season began, we ate, we purchased and then the year was over.

Ok, you know what - Screw 2008. 2009, you gotta understand 2008 was just a bitch of a year, drought, war, screwed up economy, bitter elections, high gas prices, spiraling health care cost, devaluation of property, unemployment, global warming, polar ice caps melting, one industry after another going belly up. Really, the only nice thing I can say about 2008 is I had some fun with friends, I managed not to die and the damn thing is over. Let this be a warning to you 2009, if you try to be a bastard like 2008 I will make you pay. I’ve had enough. So there, that is how we start. Deal with it 2009 and keep in mind 2008 didn’t survive - I did!