Status Reports

My life at work these days consists of a long series of status reports. I actually don’t have time to get much work done as I have to report on the status of the work I’m supposed to be doing but can’t get done because I’m writing another status report.   

I wouldn’t mind creating these status reports if anything ever became of them. However, they are always stripped away to the simplest detail as one status report after another is combined by each level of management to create a summary report. In the end all that remains from my reports are the simplest of phrases “completed”, “delayed” or “deferred”.  All issues that I’m trying to convey are lost.

What is really needed is a report that says “we need to start worrying”, or “nothing to worry about here”. In the end that is all someone wants to know, is there something to worry about or not. But for the sake of job security you can’t have things that simple, you must look as if you’ve drawn conclusions based on the numerous status reports.

At some point I’m sure I will have to do a status report about my status report, at that point the sheer recursion of the situation will create a hole in the space-time continuum which will result in the destruction of the universe, at which point I will need to submit a status report on the destruction of the universe along with a triage of how it occurred.