Rules for Going to the Movie Theater

GENERAL GUIDELINES FOR NON-DISRUPTIVE BEHAVIOR

(1) TALKING

(a) Conversations are permitted up until the start of the first trailer. You may talk through the lame animations telling you where the exits are, etc. You may even talk through the commercials, which are becoming increasingly common in movie theaters and generally deserve to be talked through. Once the first trailer begins, however, your mouth should close, and should not open again except to laugh at appropriate comedic moments in the film, or in the case of extreme emergencies, such as being on fire, or your intestines being exposed and visible.

(b) The less intelligent among you never seem to understand the plot of any given movie. We overhear you quite often, asking your companion what just happened, or guessing what's going to happen, or generally commenting on the movie in a witless fashion. Unless you are being paid to revise MST3K this is unacceptable. Simply try watching the movie and see if your answers aren’t revealed. If not, go home an reflect on them and maybe if you really should be away from the home.

(c) Carrying on a conversation throughout a movie, in a normal speaking voice, as if you were sitting in your living room and not among dozens of other people who paid to hear the movie and not your conversation, will not be tolerated. Raising your voice to be heard above the noisier scenes in a movie is an even more serious sin. Other audience members do have the right to beat the crap out of you if that is what it takes to make you shut up.

(d) You will refrain from striking up a conversation with that strangers while waiting for the movie to start. Movies aren't social events. You will especially refrain if this appears to be some mating ritual as it will cause undo stress. "Is he gonna try picking me up? Or sitting next to me? God, can't I even go to a fucking movie by myself without some asshole invading my space?" And so on.

(2) OTHER DISRUPTIONS

(a) If you are in love with another person, good for you, mazel tov, whatever. Just keep it to yourself. The darkness of a movie theater does not give you license to smooch, coo, exchange sweet words, fondle each other, or worse. If you feel you must engage in such nauseating behavior, get a room. Don't try to impress us all with how deeply you two are in love, because frankly, Sparky, we don't give a fuck.

(b) Despite the MPAA loophole, children under the age of, say, 12 have no business attending an R-rated movie even when accompanied by a parent or adult guardian. They will not understand or appreciate the movie and may even pick up a few unsavory words, or wake you up in the middle of the night with nightmares for weeks to come. (Rough justice meted out to stupid parents.)

(c) In any public place, not just at the movies, it is unseemly for children to emit the sort of piercing shriek known to unclog sinuses and restore sight to the blind. Unless the child is on fire, or his/her intestines are exposed and visible, a child really has no reason to produce such a sound, and should be strenuously discouraged from doing so, especially in the presence of adults who have had a hard day at work and just want a nice, peaceful night out at the movies or at a restaurant.

(d) Babies do not belong in a movie theater. They belong at home with a babysitter or trusted family member. If you cannot find a sitter or trusted family member, then you will stay home with the baby. Which part of this is difficult to understand?

(e) You will not wait until you are in line before deciding what movie to see. Neither will you debate which movie to see when it is your turn at the ticket counter, thus holding up everyone else behind you. You will have your game plan together by the time you leave the house.

(f) You will not further hold up everyone behind you by arguing with the ticket seller when he or she refuses to sell you a ticket for an R-rated movie without checking your photo ID. Nor will you bring a note from your mother and beseech the ticket seller to "call my mom, she says it's okay, she's home, just call her." If you are 17 or over, bring photo ID. If you are under 17 -- if you are even an unusually mature 16-and-a-half-year-old -- you are no longer considered old enough to see R-rated movies by yourself. Deal with it, and welcome to post-Columbine America.

(g) If there are five or more of you, and you arrive late and the theater is packed, you will not expect people who are already seated to split up or move so that you can all sit together. Arrive early, or expect to sit apart.

(h) The backs of the seats in front of you are not your personal footrests, particularly when people are occupying those seats. Be advised also that when you nudge, kick, or jiggle the seat in front of you, it annoys everyone sitting in that row even if that particular seat is empty.

HEARING PROBLEMS

(a) You should not be talking at all during the movie (see the General Guidelines for Non-Disruptive Behavior), but you especially should not be talking in the loud monotone commonly associated with elderly people who have experienced a decrease in hearing ability.

(b) You should not be repeating every word of dialogue for the benefit of your hard-of-hearing companion. The people around you heard the dialogue just fine, and do not require the instant replay. Get a hearing aid.

SIGHT PROBLEMS

(a) If you must read credits or subtitles aloud for the benefit of a less-than-sharp-eyed friend or spouse, do so quietly, so as not to disturb those around you who can actually see letters that are roughly two feet tall.

THROAT PROBLEMS

(a) If you are experiencing a mild illness of the throat-clearing or coughing variety stay home. Sudden, raucous coughs or "hrrr-HMMMMMM"s are extremely challenging to your fellow moviegoers' ability to focus on a complex narrative.