While getting my tax stuff together for this year I ran across something that brought back such wonderful memories I wanted to share with you. I found actual copies of letters I sent to Santa and his replies that I had saved since childhood. I think this is the perfect end to this holiday season. I have reproduced the letters exactly as they appeared. I hope you enjoy. For me, it still brings a tear to my eye walking down memory lane.
Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all
yeer.
Yer Friend,
Charlie
Dear Charlie,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in education. Don’t you want something better with your life? How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger set he asked for. At least HE can spell.
Santa
Dear Santa,
Thank you for the spelling book last year. I believe I’ve learned the lessons you were trying to teach me last year. I do want a better life, but not just for me. This year the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Hugs,
Charlie
Dear Charlie,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Your older brother is getting an air hockey table this year, because he asked for it. You are getting the peace of mind to know I’m sending you another book.
Santa
Dear Santa
Last year’s book about speaking up was really great. I think I understand how this system works now. I want a new bike, an Atari 7200 game system, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love
Charlie
Dear Charlie,
You want a Pony and you send me love? I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie and another book. Who did you think you were kidding asking for a G.I. Joe? By the way I’m giving your brother a horse because he asked for one and horses are what boys want – not Ponys!
Santa
Dear Santa,
Happy 4th of July! I bet you don’t get many letters from kids in July. I’ve been reading in one of those self help books you gave me that many people respond negatively when under stress, so I think I’ve just been hitting you at the wrong time. I hope you are taking a break from making toys and enjoying some time off for the 4th. If you could arrange it for this year I really want a puppy. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?
Sincerely,
Charlie
Dear Charlie,
Stress really isn’t as big of an issue as you might think. I have 364 days off. All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.
As for your “puppy request” - that whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. I stopped by a bookstore that was going out of business and stocked up on their self help books. You’ll be getting a book. I’ve picked out a DOG for your brother.
Santa
Dear Santa,
Ok, I know I’m not getting a puppy and you are leaving me some books but I wanted to let you know that there are no bad feelings. I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Charlie
Dear Charlie,
Diary products give me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch
Santa
Dearest Santa,
I’ve signed you up for the Milk product of the month – enjoy you lactose intolerant bastard!
Charlie
Dearest Charlie,
Good boy, I’m bringing you a pony this year.
Sweet dreams,
Santa
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment